Vomitous Masses
I'm mostly happy. I think. I'm off work due to Somatoform disorder or Fibromylagia and sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I'm on anti depressants, vicodin, an anti inflammatory and Mirapex along with Neurtontin. A year ago I took no meds. I'm also bulimic. Nothing more pathetic than sticking your finger down your throat while hunched over a dirty toilet bowl while purging your stomach of whatever you just ate and having it splash back up in your face. I'm fucked up. And I'm pissed off that I'm not a super model and that I feel I have no control and that my sex life isn't what it should be. I fake my fucking orgasms? How fucked in the head can that be? I dream of sleeping with women at times or dream about sleeping with the strangest of men. Not men I know. That would be too weird. OK, I lied. A friend's husband. I guess he's a friend too. I can't even carry on a conversation with the guy (cop) because I'm attracted to him. But that's not something a person acts on. Not me.
I am vegan and I want ice cream right now. But I know I'll throw it up again right away. I've tossed my cookies twice already. For eating chocolate. I don't have a scale because I'll get on it 50 times in a day. I need to drink more water.
And hey, my mother in law bugs the piss out of me, while we're spilling our guts here, no pun intended. I had my 3rd child over a year ago and that's all she talked about was having a grandkid and she's seen my child maybe 9 times over the last 1 and a half or so.
My husband is cool. He knows how fucked up I am and is good about it. I just read my neuropsych test and they suggested I see a shrink. I guess I tend to channel my stress into actual physcial problems. Who knew? I want to smoke. I smoke off and on. I'm part of an alternative religion. I just want to get on with things. I don't know how. I don't hate myself like I used to, but I figure the bulemia starting up again is to gain control. I don't binge on ice cream or anything, I just puke what I eat. It could be anything. Let me tell you how hard it is to get vegetables up after you've just eaten them. I try to drink a lot of water to get it out faster. Ugh.