Chicks Rule!

I have re entered my vicous cycle of vomiting. It gets to a point where it happens so much, you can almost not control it. It's been a weird time anyway, since I've been nauseous. But I know today I don't have to throw up, as I did yesterday. Why do I do it? I think I feel out of control. I do feel out of control. Bad self image? Not so much anymore. I am eating healthy and when I don't eat healthy, I beat myself up about it. Why torture myself? Cause I'm a fuck up. I hate myself sometimes. I don't know how to change my illness. I don't. I am so frustrated. I have too much in this world to leave it, but I understand where people are coming from these days. Oh yea, don't get the idea I'm really skinny. I'm not really skinny. I wish I were. I'm not a fat pig, totally.

I'm a white trash mom today. I feel like a piece of shit. My kid was mouthing off so much that I grabbed her by her arm and directed her into her room. I yelled. A lot. I don't always lose it like that. She's a kid. A mouthy kid. The hardest part is thinking she may not really care. I told her I shouldn't yell. I am human. That's life. I realize yelling can be more detrimental than actual hitting. But again, I don't do it often. I hope she learns sometime to think of someone other than herself.

Admit, your jealous. Your husband goes off to work and does what he loves to do and gets to talk to adults. You're at home. You're a nothing. That's how you feel. Nothing you can do can make him understand that. Nothing you can do will ever get him to see you're frustration. It isn't his fault you're fucked in the head. It isn't his fault you have no drive. That you don't know what you want to do. He's a good guy. You don't always treat him like he's a good guy because you're mad at yourself.

I'm watching Hercules, Zero to Hero in no time flat. I'm kinda zero to zero.

I wish I could feel better. I just don't know how to get there.