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2002-12-08 & 8:49 p.m.

vomitous masses, part dos


I'm back to having body issues again. I made myself puke today. Again, it's the most pitiful thing a person can do. Lean over the toilet bowl. Where people take a shit. Stick your finger down your throat and make yourself gag over and over again until you feel the vomit rise and spill out into the toilet with the water splashing you in the face. It's stupid. I shouldn't care that after having three kids my stomach will not lie flat. That I have cellulite. That I'm not as thin as I think I should be.

I feel like I can't control myself so this is my control. I know this, yet I can't stop myself. I don't do it every time I eat. Lately it's once a day. Once a day. Sometimes twice. It's hard vomiting crackers. Painful too.

But ya know, life could be worse. I guess. I'm bored shitless. I love my family but I'm fucking restless and I don't know why. I try to do new things, but they all seem so old to me. I don't want to feel this way. I'm taking medication and I still feel this way. Maybe I should talk to my doctor about it. I should probably call the shrink, but I guess I'm not ready to. Hey my doctor's leaving, might as well talk to him about the bulemia(sp?). I looked at the bulemia diarying and it was a bunch of young girls talking about what they ate, how much and how many times they weighed themselves. FUCKED UP. I don't do that. Ok, if I owned a scale as I once did, I'd get on it at least 50 times a day.

But I don't count calories. That's good isn't it?

You know whose a hottie? Who I think is a hottie. Why am I clarifying? The blonde singer from Linkin Park. The lip pierced guy. And then I have this thing for Pippin from Lord of the Rings. That is messed up just a little.

Just a little. I'm feeling a little frantic right now. And tired. Husband will be gone for 3 days next week and I'm just about going to keel over. I really despise it when he's gone. I'm too much like my dad, I hate being alone. I can't do anything by myself. I don't know how to think when I'm alone. When the rare occasion occurs that I am alone, I leave the house. I can't stand it quiet.



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