Lord's name
Child no. 2: Mom, do you still smoke?
Me: WHY?!
Child no. 2: Because I found a cigarette in the toilet.
Me: (thinking: shit shit shit!) Ok, Child no. 2, I haven't smoked in a long time. A loooooooooonng time. I just wanted a cigarette. And this is family business.
Child no. 2: Oh I see. So you just wanted to try it?
Me: No, child no. 2, I just had a smoke. I don't want this to be the discussion of the neighborhood, ok?
Child no. 2: Ok.
(child no. 2 goes off down the hall)_________________________________________________________________________
Later, that same minute, Child no. 1 comes out.
Child no. 1: (loudly) MOM! DO YOU STILL SMOKE!?
(two friends happen to be over too)
Me: Child no. 1, no I don't smoke! I just had a cigarette.
Child no. 1: SO you've been SMOKING this whole time????
Me: No, I just had a cigarette! I had a few! I just wanted to smoke! And child no. 2, I told you that I didn't want this spread all over hell and half of Georgia either. What up wit dat?
Child no. 2: Well, it was an accident. Now, lemme get this straight, if you don't smoke, how come I found a cigarette in the toilet?
Me: (holding my head in my hands) I just wanted to smoke. I am not a smoker...I'm not. I just wanted a smoke. THIS IS FAMILY BUSINESS. DO NOT TELL YOUR GRANDMA! I WILL HEAR NO END OF IT! Understand?
Children in unison: Yes mommy!
__________________________________________________________________
Of all the reasons to be a closet smoker, my mother would be that reason. All the "Truth" commercials be damned. They can hunt me down with their fucking cameras, but if mom finds out? It's over. I'm quite an adult, but everything is a goddamned reflection on her.
___________________________________________________________________________
I'm trying to open pickled asparagas at my parents house. The lid won't open. I smack the lid with a knife.
Neuromom: Prostituee???
Me: WHAT?!
Neuromom: Just wondering what you were doing.
I lived here after my divorce. It ended up that I would hide in any of the assorted closets to be able to have a private phone conversation. My mother would sneer at me and wonder why I had to keep "secrets" from her. She did that here to me not too long ago. Asking disgustedly why I had to be secretive!! As disgusted as she could make herself sound. To let me know how disgusted she is with me. And I wasn't even being secretive. But I often am. Wonder why?
I think I'm going to openly smoke in front of her and see what happens. Forget that she used to smoke. But back then, they didn't know how bad it was for you. Right. There's a song from the 30's that said "Smoke smoke smoke that cigarette, smoke smoke smoke until you smoke yourself to death."
And heaven forbid you should have a differing opinion. The fact that I eat all vegetable matter and have since July is still a huge topic of discussion every fucking time I eat around her. You'd think we could fucking drop it by now. I told her that the other day. Minus the "Fucking" part.
Twice yesterday I said "For Christsakes". Twice. And both times I heard:
PROSTITUEE!!! Do not use the Lord's name in vain.
I shit you not. That's why I said it twice.
I have started laying out my tarot decks. Not trying to start a war, I'm just tired of hiding.