Bulimia.
I don't know if I look normal, but I think I look normal. I don't think I am a high achiever, but I often feel like I don't do enough. I'm never good enough.
I'm all about talking about things no one else wants to talk about. Topics that makes people feel uncomfortable.
Lovely Bulimia. The disorder. It's a psychological disorder. No one knows how to respond when you say you puke up your food. How does one respond to that?
"Ohhhhhkaaaaay."
"A binge is an episode where an individual eats a much larger amount of food than most people would in a similar situation. Binge eating is not a response to intense hunger. It is usually a response to depression, stress, or self esteem issues."
Personally, I don't binge eat. I just barf up what I've eaten. Especially during the holiday's. Like today. Easter. Holiday's are centered around food. So I ate. I didn't eat a huge amount. But I made myself throw up. 3 times total today. Hey, it's a holiday. It's a tradition. A tradition no one follows except for me.
"During the binge episode, the individual experiences a loss of control. However, the sense of a loss of control is also followed by a short-lived calmness. The calmness is often followed by self-loathing. The cycle of overeating and purging usually becomes an obsession and is repeated often."
Self Loathing? Ya think? Obsession or habit? I can sit there, eating a guilt free meal and suddenly I just think that I could purge and that's all it takes. My party friend and I talked about that. It's easy. We both have really sensitive stomachs now. We talked about how we can't feel full at all. If we feel full, the food is coming up.
"It is often difficult to determine whether a person is suffering from Bulimia. This occurs because binging and purging is often done in secret. Also, individuals suffering from Bulimia often deny their condition."
Like I said, I don't binge. I eat with everyone else. Purge in secret? Really? Like I want everyone to know I'm yakking up my food. I go into the bathroom and turn on the fan. The louder the better. I also turn on the water in the sink if need be. I've gotten to the point where I can vomit quietly. I no longer sound like a cat puking.
"Sufferers consume huge quantities of food. Sometimes up to 20,000 calories at a time. The foods on which they binge tend to be foods labeled as "comfort foods" -- sweet foods, high in calories, or smooth, soft foods like ice cream, cake, and pastry. An individual may binge anywhere from twice a day to several times daily."
It might actually be smarter to eat these kinds of foods. It's more comfortable puking up ice cream than bread and cheese. Ice cream actually tastes about the same coming up as it did going down. It just comes up so easily too.
I used to do the laxative thing. It's quite painful. It keeps your body from absorbing the food and it basically goes straight through you. But if you do it too much, it causes extreme extreme pain. The food just sits in your stomach forfucking ever.
Exercise? Over exercise. I've not done that in a while.
When did I start? During my first divorce. I had lost 20 lbs. without really realizing it and then panicked. I didn't want to gain it back. I lost another 20 lbs. by just puking up what I had eaten. No binging. I was really cold all the time. It felt like my body was dying.
I stopped for a couple of years. I started again. I go off and on.
"There is currently no definite known cause of bulimia. Researchers believe it begins with dissatisfaction of the person's body and extreme concern with body size and shape. Usually individuals suffering from bulimia have low self-esteem, feelings of helplessness and a fear of becoming fat."
I have always had body issues. Even as a little girl I've thought of myself as less than desirable. I don't know where it stems from.
"Erosion of tooth enamel because of repeated exposure to acidic gastric contents-Dental cavities, sensitivity to hot or cold food-Swelling and soreness in the salivary glands (from repeated vomiting)-Stomach Ulcers-Ruptures of the stomach and esophagus-Abnormal buildup of fluid in the intestines-Disruption in the normal bowel release function-Electrolyte imbalance."
Yup.
That's all for now. By far my biggest issue is to get beyond my self image. I'm going to counseling, but thus far I don't even know where to begin. I know I need to stop, but at this point I don't even know how. I'm not totally psycho.