Ungrateful for what I have. Pathetic woman of the world.
But really I feel hideous. I feel disgusting. Revolting. I look in the mirror and want to puke.
And I do puke. I've started that fucking cycle. Because I'm panicking. I've gained 10 lbs and I can't gain 10 lbs. I don't even want to write it because it shows how fucking unstable and freaky I really am.
So I grabbed 3 candy bars last night at the store and ate them and then threw them up. I kept wretching until I was seeing clear and then bile.
And sometimes it's hard to find a place to throw up when the power is out . I got out of the store and ate the candy in my car and got to my parents house, which was out of power. And I had this plan to throw up outside my parents house in the bushes because it was pitch black in the house.
Ok, the trees were blowing around really wildly and I didn't want to throw up outside because the trees are of the evergreen variety and, you know, they can fall over and do a lot in windstorms and I could see a huge branch or tree falling on me and squishing me as I'm in mid-puke.
Just not what I wanted to do. And if didn't come up fast, my dad would be out there looking for me, wondering why it was taking me so long to get in the house.
And I couldn't throw up inside as the little one was making her way through the pitch black to find me and she was happy to see me...or not see me...and hug me.
So then I speedy fast packed her little bum up and took off for home and threw up there.
Pathetic. I am so fucking pathetic. What a fucked up mental case I am. And no one is sticking a toothbrush down my throat and forcing me to puke my guts up. It's just me. There's people starving in the world and here I am puking my guts up.
I'm ungrateful for what I have. Do people in India and Africa and Siberia purge? No. I'm sure not. I'm sure they're not looking at their reflection in the water or ice or mirrors or whatever and see themselves. For whatever they are. And it isn't vanity. Because they have real lives and have real worries and do real things.
And here I am. Being pathetic. Miserable. Letting my pathetic ugly fat body rule my life. And I have to take control somehow.
Being vegetarian isn't enough. No. I have to go to even greater lengths to gain some sort of control.
I know very well this could do damage. It already has. I've fucked up my insides. Fucked up my metabolism. It could cause me to seizure or have heart failure.
People are dying and don't want to and I'm abusing my body. They're dying and would be grateful for any healthy body. I'm here. I'm ungrateful.
God help me.