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2004-08-07 & 12:41 p.m.

Cold to the bone


The baby is due January 15th or therabouts and I'm heading in the direction of a c-section.

This is hard to read I'm sure and so hard to type, but with my 3 year old, I had a 4th degree tear that was most unpleasant to heal from and on top of that I couldn't control my farting. I am just now getting to the point where I can control that.

Kegels baby. All the way.

But 3 years.

It's a bitch to heal from and my doctor, who is no way telling me one way or the other, said that she had read an article the day after she first met with me stating that it was thought that once there was damage, you could do no more. The article said that after a tear like that, it was their opinion that yes, even more damage could be done.

I've had natural childbirth, c-section (what is that, unnatural?) and then a v-bac (natural after c section) and that's where that tear comes in. I'm not worried about my uterus rupturing so much, but there is that chance. It's that fucking tear. 4th degree is all the way down to the anus, just in case you're wondering.

Yeah, total clench factor.

Anyway, after I had the 3 year old, the University of Washington put out a study that was in the Seattle Times. The V-bac was much more risky than previously thought. When you're doing a V-bac, you can't induce which is what my previous doctor did. Inducing increases the likelyhood of a rupture by 4x. If you're late and you don't go into labor on your own, you have to go in for a c-section anyway.

Anyway, last time I was very sure I wanted a v-bac, this time I'm very sure I don't.

I don't get women that have this almost macho attitude about having a baby. That it's mind over matter and they will do it without drugs and if they happen to use drugs, they beat themselves up about it. It can be mind over matter. I just don't have that kind of mind. The pain is excruciating and it's not something I can ignore or meditate through.

There is just no wrong way to have a baby. You just go in there with no expectation of how it will be and things go fine, no matter what happens. You have a baby. That's the outcome no matter what. Baby classes are great, but fuck if you forget the stupid breathing exercises when the pain gets excessive.

Oh yeah, the birthcontrol. I've used the sponge time and time again with no problem. This time I tried protectaid and the first time I tried this sponge, I got pregnant. It didn't sting my vaginal area, so that should have clued me in to it's effectiveness. I've used the other kind and have even used the suppositories, which were just fine. Because I never got pregnant with those.

But do not use Protectaid, whatever you do. I got it in there fine. Way up next to the cervix. Followed the directions. Preganant in no time!

Woohoo!

That was a surprise. This time, I wasn't on a ton of meds. I had JUST weaned myself off the Effexor and after a month of hell, was starting to feel better. Then I found out I was pregnant. Did I think of abortion? Yes I did. But it was something that I couldn't do. Even though I am not happy about the abortion from over a year ago, I don't feel it was the wrong route. I was on so many meds. This time I was just on methadone for pain.

Want to talk serious withdrawal, we'll talk about methadone. I was only on 5 mg twice a day and stopped taking it when I found out I was pregnant. Didn't think I would be addicted to it. Was I ever. I felt awful for 2 weeks. Cold to the bone, sweating profusely at the same time. Vomiting over and over again. I thought it was the pregnancy, but I got better and realized it was the methadone. It landed me in the hosptial. Just rehydrating...8 hours to rehydrate me.

Yuk. If I can avoid pain pills again, I will. So far in this pregnancy, I'm coping fine with the pain. I guess fibromyalgia can do a reversal during pregnancy.



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