Fucked in the head, part 52
The bad thing about anti-depressants is it takes forfuckingever to orgasm sometimes. I know I've mentioned this before, but it can be pretty irritating and it makes my calf muscles hurt because they get pretty tight when I'm masturbating and I think I'm working too hard.
Too much info?
Today it took about 45 minutes and in my estimation, that's way to long. Although it was a leg shaker and I was sweaty and it was a really hard rock-me-to-the-bone one where it would have been difficult to speak had someone been there with me. I was actually bummed out no one was with me. Really, while I was doing it I was fantasizing about a cop dominating me. Tying me up so I couldn't get away from him. So someone was there. Sort of.
It's so much better having someone there talking you through it, ya know? It always helps me to have someone talking to me and helping me keep my mind on what I'm doing rather than having my mind wander, which is really part of my problem in the first place. I act as if 10 people are watching me and critiquing me when I should just let my mind go with it. But then I always allow myself to feel stupid. And why do I do that to myself? It's not stupid.
Prostituee. Masturbating is not stupid. You are not stupid while masturbating.
I should look myself in the mirror every morning and say that. Very quietly. Well hey, I have kids.
I wonder if anyone else feels self conscious while doing themselves or is it just me? It must be the guilt thing about being caught and scolded by my parents.
Oh yeah. I was about 7 and my mom caught me and acted as if it was the worst thing in the world I could be doing. If you knew her and knew how she was about people on TV just kissing, you'd know. I mean, I grew up Lutheran and the guilt factor there is just about on par with the Catholics.
YOU DO NOT PLAY WITH YOURSELF.
Ok, fine. I just did it when I was sure no one would catch me.
Once my pants were unzipped when I was trying to take a nap and I noticed this. As I reached down to zip my pants up, she came in and accused me of (dear god NO) masturbating and I told her what was going on. She grilled me off and on for 15 minutes.
And you people wonder why I'm so fucked in the head!