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2004-08-03 & 3:28 p.m.

Fucking money stuff


I want to chew nails right now.

I don't know what the thought is. If we ignore a bill, it's ok. He said that this last paycheck was going towards bills yet he makes zero effort to pay on any of them. I don't know what the deal is. I know that I can pay them. It does help to know how much he has in his account. It's sort of weird that we don't share an account but I don't know that either of us trusts each other enough.

I paid on 2 bills last weekend. Still need to pay on the garbage bill. I'm lying down today when there's a knock on the door and there's the energy people at the door saying I need to pay them $300 or they shut off the power. One of the bills we can't pay online I and distinctly remember him saying he was going to go pay it.

Part of it is not having any money. Doesn't help that he lost his immediate job and is getting paid much less. And I'm pregnant and working a per diem job.

But even when we have money to pay something on bills, it doesn't get done. I think I've just assumed that the bills are something he's going to do and haven't been on it. I also think there's a point to where the stress takes over and he just can't handle anything else. I feel like we're both just barely treading water. That's the stress of being pregnant again. People can say "oh everything will be fine" but will they really? The rent is the killer here and then we get behind on the bills and it's a spiral downward. Get late fees on bills and it's just over the top.

I don't know what to do. He's looking for a new job and has gotten zero call backs. Now I dread telling him about the energy people showing up at the door because he'll be in his "loser" mode and that stresses me out to no end. I hate it when he does that. I don't want to hear about how he thinks he's not providing for the family. Right now I know he's doing the best he can. I just hope someday we can get into a better situation. Since he and I have been married, we haven't gotten our shit together at all. Together, we're a mess when it comes to organization. We're a lot a like and I'm not sure that it works.

Oh my god, CharmingGirl, you kick major diaryland booty here. Thanks so much, I was just about to tear my hair out.

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