Tampon Talk
Where the chocolate? Hello? The chocolate was in here a minute ago....
(A few tense moments go by)
CHOCOLATE. Anyone? Do we have chocolate? That was a week ago? I could've sworn we had a candy bar around here.
Oooooo pixy stix! A whole bag! Crackers! He bought crackers! Mmm, crackers. I'm gonna put cheese and pickles on these babies....
Ow ow ow ow crampage, we have crampage going on. Ow. I'm on the floor and I can't get up. Someone get a crane...
Do these jeans make me look fat?
No, wait, don't answer that.
I'm not wearing jeans today. I can't even fit in these jeans today. They don't button. Am I really that fat?
I'm not wearing that skirt either.
Where are the elastic waist yoga pants? As if I do yoga. Well. Actually I did.
But not today.
What the fuck happened to my ankles?
They're Kankles.
I need a salt lick. Salt lick in one hand, chocolate in the other.
Coke. I need a can of coke.
Look at my face. It is SO fat. Like, look at it. Look at that big zit right on my chin. God. There's one forming on my forehead. It's going to take over my face. It's throbbing. Pulsing. My eye is twitching. Look at that twitch.
I went to change my pad and it was soaked clear through. And it seeped on the sides. That makes me so mad. I hate that! And then I can't get the stains out.
Those shoes are out. My KANKLES seem like they're hanging over the sides. Let's skip the shoes with laces.
You want to have sex? I don't even want to look at you. You don't have to do this every month. Sure, it's a cleansing process and has to happen, but why does it have to happen to me? Why can't it happen to you? I wish it to happen to you. Don't tell me you understand. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I'm feeling a little out of sorts. My legs look like tree trunks. My body is bloated. My breasts hurt.
OOoooooo, there's Wheat puffs in here! A big huge fucking bag of wheat puffs.
(Sneaking off to the children's rooms to look for chocolate. Steps on a very small hard plastic toy in bare feet. Proceeds to swear like a truck driver)
(limping down the hallway, goes into the livingroom)
Who left this here?? Why is this here? In the middle of the floor. Why did you leave this here in the middle of the floor? Why? Tell me why? NO! I just want to know why. Don't do it again!.
I look fine? What's that supposed to mean??? Cute? Oh, that's so much better. I'm going back down to change again.
I think I'm just going to lie here for a litle while. And hide until it's all over.
***I bid on a pair of slingback Man*olo Bla*hnik's on Ebay that started at $24.00. They'd been worn once and looked very good. So I bid. Since I bid, there's been a bidding frenzy. They're already up to $67.00. Crazy. I'm gonna bid on a pair of Birk*enstocks. Eurich. $29.99.
**As far as the tampon hurting when you take it out, even if it's not dry, you might want to change the brand and see if that helps. I KNOW THE FEELING! I suppose you can try KY or another type of lubricant. I used to take apart the tampon, put a little lubricant around it and quickly put it together again. I don't know if it helped or not. I didn't notice a difference. But that was the hardest thing about tampons for me, even if the tampon wasn't dry, it still hurt coming out. But all tampons aren't shaped the same, so maybe try a few and see if it helps. Anyone else have suggestions?