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2004-11-02 & 5:56 p.m.


Hey I didn't see the comments in the previous post so thanks! I really appreciate the comments because they were incredibly positive.

Something that's making things much better for me is the fact that I discussed taking Zoloft with my OB. I would have never thought I could and somehow the depression issue came up. I am never suicidal, but I was feeling very much in despair, etc, so she said that studies show zoloft being the safest one. What a fucking lifesaver. After over a week, I was better, not obsessing so much on weight gain and abortion stuff. There is nothing I can do about the abortion, but it'll always be there in the back of my head. I just feel like I can get through the pregnancy whereas before I was totally down as far as I've gotten.

I fear retribution. Bad karma. My relationship with him is constantly stressful. If it will happen, it will happen to us. The water heater just went out yesterday, the week before that, it was the washing machine. We're always behind on the bills. He is working a lot, granted, but will not take initiative on any bill paying unless it's imparitive it gets paid. So I have to be the watch dog and try to pay online when we have the money. I am not great with money, but I could get the bills paid.

This morning he didn't call the landlord first thing on the water heater. Am I wrong to want him to take some initiative here? He does take over a lot when I'm not feeling well, in particular the girls, but even when I wasn't sick, the bills still piled up and I don't know what he thinks is going to happen with them. They do not pay themselves.

I was watching movies of the older girls when they were babies. When I lived with former husband, the house was clean. He always bitched about what a mess it was and it was fucking clean most of the time. Any video at any given time and the background was clean. What a jerk off he was. Now things are not clean but I have to attribute it to the fact that I'm sick all of the time.

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