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2004-09-24 & 6:09 a.m.


So abortion and it's aftermath.

After i had the abortion last march or whenever, I would have the 3 kids waving out the window at me and know there wouldn't be a fourth. That was hard to take. And I did it. I know I was 5 weeks along, if that, but I still have issues.

Now that I'm pregnant, I think back to the abortion and have panic attacks. And maybe I deserve that. At the time you do what you think is right and I know I was doing it because I thought it was right.

Right now, this baby is in there kicking and moving and hicupping. And I have these anxiety moments about what I did. If I had not done that. What would that baby be like now?

The moving around of this baby is what started the panic. I've done something and I can't take it back. It was a very final thing. A baby is a baby, no matter what.

Although I would never counsel someone on what they should or shouldn't do in this situation. Ok, if it were a partial birth abortion, I would be up in arms and sick. Anything below the 3rd trimester? I can't say. People wonder what the difference is. There's a huge difference.

At the time there were so many medications I was on. A lot of shit. This time around, I was totally devoid of most meds, more importantly the effexor. But still. I'm still having panic attacks.

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