Good enough. Smart enough. People like me?
I'm the pitiful existence of human beingness.
But first, something completely different.
My friend told me there were a lot of books coming my way. Turned out to be a serious load. Truckload. She had a lot of books. I'm actually looking forward to going through them.
So then I call her after her husband drops them off. She tells me he passes this exam which is totally cool. I think he places 9th out of 80 testee's or whatever. This is a huge deal and the dude is smart so it's not surprising.
After I'm done talking to her I feel like shit. I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. Yeah, I know, people always say kids are a big deal, but who the fuck really believes it. Sure, I believe that my kids are the best and all that, but no one else puts real value on that kind of thing. Which should piss me off and I should say "fuck it" and right now I just am not doing that.
I'm feeling less than worthwhile. Our life is in the shitter in a lot of ways. I'm not looking at the positives because right now there aren't a hell of a lot. There are 5 of us in this family. In January, there will be 6. His salary was cut to $32K a year. How the fuck are we supposed to fucking survive on $32K a year? We're in the great northwest where house prices are in general $300K for just a run of the mill home. Nothing fancy. Like this one:
Found this in the classifieds. Not the worst neighborhood, not really the best either. 3 Bedroom, 1 bath. The yard is big at least. But this is what I'm talking about.
Rent is $1300 a month. We'd almost be better off in an apartmment again.
You can tell me people have it worse. I don't care. It's what we're dealing with right now. $32k. That cut a lot from his paycheck month to month. Someone told me to come up with some ideas. I don't know how right now. I can't think of anything right now because I find it impossible to be positive.
Someone else says buy up government property and then put a manufactured home on it. How? How the fuck are we supposed to even think of that when we can't even pay our energy bill? Where are we supposed to come up with that? Pull it out of our ass? I know people are trying to be helpful. I'm just at an all time low. I don't feel good enough. I'm getting fatter. I know I'm pregnant, but I hate being out of control. I used to be pretty fucking positive. Last year we were there. We were going to be able to pay off everything. Then our landlord tells us we have a month to move because she's selling, then we have to come up with first and deposit. And it all goes to shit again.
I must be bringing it on myself again. I just don't feel good enough. We hit the dollar store for the kids just because they love it and I wonder if I'm going to end up like these people I see in there. Haggard and bitter looking. I guess sheer will can prevent that.
Everyone is surpassing us in a lot of ways and I feel like the poor friend that people take pity on. Just not good enough.
I can let it eat away at me. I'm doing a damn good job of it right now.