Suicide
Yesterday my friend D stopped by for a bit. I guess I didn't know the half of it.
You have to know that D is super funny, great person, all of that. I never hear her whining about shit.
Apparently something clicked in her head before she did the partial inpatient psych thing and one night when her son was going to sleep, she decided she was going to kill herself with a bunch of pills she had. Her husband came home, looked at her face and asked her what was going on. She asked him not to leave and it went on from there. She said it scared the hell out of her because it wasn't one instance which made her feel that way. The quickness of her decision scared her too.
I didn't know that she had done this before. The first time when she was 7 and took a bunch of pills and they ended up being her sisters birth control pills. She laughed while she was telling us that and it is funny, but not. Then at 18 she took two bottles of sleeping pills and someone found her in her car on the side of the road.
She definitely has a chemical imbalance, something she says her husband doesn't believe. People just do. I have a problem with depression. My dad has a problem with depression. His brother had a problem with depression. My brother has his issues with it.
People don't take it seriously. It can come out as irritability all the time. I get irritable. I lose paitentce really easily. I cry a lot. I sleep a lot. I yell at my kids. I don't feel suicidal, ever. After being sick last year, I have more compassion for people who feel suicidal.
When I worked for an insurance company, most benefits would not pay for hospital stays where people had tried to kill themselves. I didn't understand that. At all. Here is someone who is in their worst moment in life and what that says is they can't get help for it. Sure, they did it to themselves, but so do some lung cancer patients. People who ski and end up breaking their legs because they were being stupid. People who don't wear life jackets in boats and nearly drown get benefits for their actions.
***please note, I do think like an insurance company because I worked there for so long. I know that suicide and stupidity or carelessness have nothing to do with each other however, looking at it through an insurance company's eyes, there's not much difference to me. Further note that employers choose the benefits for their employees and insurance companies will pay if the employer says so.
Useless trivia, by Prostituee.
We look down on people who try to off themselves. It's a cop out and they deserve to be looked down on.
I just don't think anyone who hasn't gone through serious depression can fully appreciate the state a person's mind is in when they feel like they do. I've been pretty low. Just haven't gotten that low. But I get in all those places. Low self worth and feeling useless. I can work myself out of it and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think that there's a lot of people who don't do that. I must have some sort of coping skill.
I know that D didn't and being in her psych thing helped her get coping skills. Her dad is a fucking therapist for christsakes. When she was 13 she was acting out because of her parents divorce. Her step dad used to sit naked in her room and watch her sleep. She had a lot of anger. And her dad chose not to see what was going on with her. When she tried to kill herself at 18, she was living with her dad and he told no one. Didn't help her get into therapy. He was embarrassed. So she never went into therapy after that.
So now she tells her mom about it and her mom said that she herself had tried to kill herself a couple of times. D's mom really let her down as a kid and through the divorce, put herself first before her daughter. Chose to ignore the abuse that her new husband was inflicting on D (physical). D's brother and sister were older and didn't see what was going on. Because of this therapy, D was able to call her mom and say that she loved her and forgave her. Her mom admitted that she didn't pay attention to D during this time and should have been there for her. So that was great. D's relationship with her mom was a huge factor.
Anyway, blah blah blah. If you feel or felt suicidal, that's the way it is. Don't feel ashamed for it. Please. I just hope you all see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is one.