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2003-03-05 & 9:32 p.m.

This may be the last abortion story


I wasn't sure if I'd write this here or not, but something in my mind is telling me that the right thing to do isn't necessarily the easiest thing.

Today, after what feels like not enough deliberation, I went in for an abortion. And I went through with it. I didn't have the surgical abortion, I went to have the commonly termed RU-486. Mifepristone? I can't remember what the generic is and quite frankly, I don't give a shit.

He and I arrived at the clinic. I chose it because it was downtown. Because it is a women's clinic. Because they specialize in abortion. Because you have to be buzzed in before they'll let you in. Because the internet said they had compassionate and caring staff. I was the first one there. Well, he and I were the first one's there. Then along came a woman who was probably close to 45. Then came a woman who was probably 20 at the most. I filled out my paperwork and he paid the first $260+ for this initial visit.

I was taken back into the back (he was there too) and there was a woman who took care of us for the duration of the appointment. There was a urine sample taken. I stood on a scale. They did a vaginal ultrasound. I was asked if I wanted to see the images. I surprised myself by saying "Yes!" I am so very early that the image looked like nothing. Not even the size of a half-pea. I'm no stranger to ultra sounds. This would be the first where I would not see the physical outcome. I would not hear the wailing cry of a tiny baby. I needed to see it. To see what I would be doing. If I had seen a heartbeat, there would be no way I could have followed through. For some reason, seeing nothing but a speck on the imaging, that somehow made me feel better.

He was taken back into the waiting room so that they could interview me alone. I thought that was good. I'm sure they get women who are being very pressured into it. I'm glad that they interviewed me alone. I told them my reason. My own selfish reason. I just don't think I would survive this pregnancy. I had this gut feeling because of the last one. I would not make it through this one. I asked question about this RU-486 stuff. Actually, my only question would be if this would be like a regular period or would it be heavy bleeding and clotting. She said it depended on the woman. She told me that the first pill I took would stop the progesterone to the embryo, therefore stopping the pregnancy. Tomorrow, I will insert 4 pills into my cervix to start the cramping and bleeding process. The staff woman was caring and very great throughout this entire thing. I have no doubt that if I were to say I wasn't sure, then that would be that. I wouldn't get it done. There was no pressuring one way or the other. However, once you take the pill, there is no turning back. It was a no-hold-barred kind of educationing that went on.

I had to sign a few more forms. She stuck me with a needle to take some blood. I had to go out in the waiting room for a while longer so that she could catch up and tell the doctor I was ready for a physical examination-to make sure the ultrasound matched with how many weeks a long I really was. (While in the waiting room, I noticed there were several more women there. Noticeably absent? Men. A little surprising I guess. A lot of women. My spouse. The only male.) When I went back in for the physical exam and talked a little to the physician, they gave me the pill and watched me take it. Then that was it.

I'm home. Waiting. To pass the pregnancy.

And await whatever comments lie ahead. You can leave whatever message, I don't mind. Baby killer. Whatever you wish. But before you do, know that I have children. I have been through the miracle of live births and actually to the last one not too long ago. The most miraculous process was to hear them cry when they were born.

Yesterday, while going to the store, I had my children waving to me out the window. I counted them. I knew there would not be another one there to count in the future. And yes, I still went through with it.

Last night, I wasn't sure. His only words to me where "Do you really think you'd make it through this pregnancy." So that was it. That was my reasoning.

Right now, I'm telling him I'm ok, but really I'm not. And really, who gives a flying fuck about me anyway. I'm still thinking of the embryo.

And I appreciate the comments. I wasn't speaking to you Wren, by the way. I appreciate the comments and speaking your mind. Even if it's not what I want to hear. I need to hear it. I never ever thought I would face this decision. For some, it's not even a decision. I understand that and understand why. But the old saying, you have no idea what it's like until you're faced with similar circumstances.

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