Uncomfortable
I want to make sure I understand you. Is it just the mere fact that so many people have bulimia? Is that what's disturbing to you? The way it's coming across is that people shouldn't be commenting or writing about it at all. I don't at all mean this in a spiteful or sarcastic way, but if it truly makes you uncomfortable that's too bad and you sure don't have to read. I spent all my childhood and a first marriage not discussing a lot of things and I know that was a mistake. Mistake for me to continue that pattern.
Thanks Findyourself for your comment and I totally agree with you. After I wrote about the Bulimia Etiquette, I was shocked as hell that I'm not the only one who does that. I have never talked to anyone who has bulimia...take that back, my Party friend was and still has a sensitive stomach from her years of anorexia/bulimia. But we never talk in depth about it. That is just too wild.
I never did comment to Claire about having an issue with cutting herself. As a teenager I used to burn my arms. I'd heat up a metal object and put it on my skin. I knew a ton of people who did the same. I know that behavior probably evolved into bulimia, which I didn't start until I was around 25 and going through the divorce. It's just this self loathing I don't get. It has gotten better. And I know the bulimia is also a control issue. Man, just sitting here typing about it is making my eyes really heavy. If I get agitated about something, very suddenly I get very tired and my eyes sting and feel very heavy, as if they're trying their damndest to slam shut.
Anyway, when I was a little kid, I always thought I was fat. I used to wear my coat all the time. I used to get on the scale just about every hour. I look back on my little kid pictures and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I was this skinny kid (with a bubble butt).
Ok, this is a diary. I don't sit around and tell anyone I know about any of this shit. I have almost no patience for people who have a problem but won't get help. I just haven't wanted it. Thought I didn't need it. There will be months where I won't puke anything up and then suddenly it'll start back up again. I'll start back up again. And then I feel in control. For a while. I just don't know how I'll feel good enough. Why does it matter? I don't know, but I feel like no matter how hard I try, I feel dirty. I can take hot showers and still feel greasy.
I'm rambling now.
**Thanks Techpat for leaving both comments. I figured that you didn't mean it meanly. Or whatever. Even if it had been a comment as to why we would even be discussing this, I still appreciate the hell that people even bother to read what I write. Or try to write. Or convey.