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Well I totally fucked that up didn't I? I agree there are topics you don't discuss (just not in this diary), but to keep "mystery" about me just doesn't fit. I guess there is the TOO MUCH INFO factor, but geez, keeping myself mysterious is like game playing in a way and I try to not do that as best I can.
I get pissy and bitch, sure. I feel hurt about stuff and assume the worst and that causes wierd, sometimes psycho, reactions in me. But otherwise, I don't like keeping things to myself or having mystery.
I dunno, am I wrong?
I'm visiting my friend tomorrow. She called and is an partial inpatient psych program.
Now don't call her crazy like my dear friend did. She did have a nervous breakdown. She couldn't get out of bed due to severe depression. She handles things like I do, she stuffs her emotions and doesn't handle stress that well.
She is probably the most responsible, caring, funny, hardworking person I have ever met. She loves her kids. She's a great mom. She has needed an outlet for her feelings for a long time. She and I bitch about stuff, but I have never heard her ever try to place blame on anyone. She takes responsibility for her actions.
This partial inpatient thing sounds like a great thing. She gets indiv. counseling in the morning, group counseling after that and then more individual counseling and then goes home to her kids.
I was really very close to going down the same path that she did not too long ago. I'm not sure what happened except I have an asshole for an ex and anything he could use against me, he would. So I think that kept me out of the psych ward. What do I have to be fucked in the head about? I have flashes of memory. I just can't piece it all together yet. I never believed in repressed memory until I went through my divorce and then look at pictures from that time. I can't for the life of me remember huge chunks of time.
So anyway, I've got something in my fucked up little brain to work out, I just don't know what. Yet. And it may be nothing.
So yeah, I'm glad my friend is doing this because in the long run it'll be invaluble.
I was like "DAMN, I am so jealous!" because she has this time to work on herself. We all need to do that. Right now I'm trying to work on my bullshit life and it's so hard. I'm totally lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I will do with my life and it's driving me crazy, so to speak. I feel so fucking worthless sometimes and I feel like I'm not contributing anything to the good of everyone and I want to do that. I try to do that. And not go crazy.